Flashback

  I've racked my brain this morning attempting to explain this set of poems. I feel as though I continue to fall short in my efforts. I will give a time lapse history instead.

October 2020, I left work release for what I hoped would be the last time. My son and his mother were living with me. I began my career as a Certified Asbestos Worker, and my probation was going well. I dove head first into my work, foot on the gas. One day, in 2021, I received a call from my mother. Baby! What's up? Can I borrow some money to get my hair and nails done? I got you. A few weeks went by, I received another call from mom informing me that auntie Becky and her went on a cruise. Auntie Becky caught covid, but, she tested negative. I told her that she should go and get retested, because they are not always correct. Unfortunately, my worries were conformed. Mom's covid turned to phenomena, I convinced her to go on the ventilator, her blood went septic beginning to poison her organs, and they started to shut down one by one as she lay in the hospital bed. TBH, I never really began to process her death until I was sitting back in Pierce County almost 24 months later. These following poems are the result of those introspections Letter to Mom, Fractured, and Letter to You. WARNING!! THESE POEMS ARE RAW AND UNCENSORED. FOR THE SAKE OF ORIGINALITY, I WILL DELIVER THEM HOW THEY WERE WRITTEN. Letter to Mom I cant believe its almost been two years and I haven't gotten to talk to you and tell you my fears, doubts, worries, insecurities too. DAZED! I've been lost in a fog without you. When you died I felt as though I'd lost my heart! It threw me for a loop and tore my soul apart. The only thing I could think was, who is going to understand me now? WEIGHTLESS! I was set adrift among the crowd. They say, It gets better with time!. FUCK THAT! WHAT DO THEY KNOW? WHEN THAT LINE WENT FLAT, I WAS TRULY LEFT ALONE. Surrounded by family, yet, in an empty room. Jaw tight, dried eyes, contemplating how to do this without you. The funeral was good. You would have been so proud! I even wrote a speech that almost called some fake Christians out. But I didn't! I kept it you and still kept it real. The standing ovation almost touched heaven's heels. It wasn't for me, it was for you. For that loving kindness you shared that helped to see people through. Now it is time to tell you my mind. I'm back in county looking at more time. Through it all I still feel you! That loving kindness you shared that helped to see me through. I am not going to lie, I picked up the phone once or twice. Then I remembered, DAMN! She's no longer alive. So I write this because it is what I need to start my healing process and truly help me grieve. I love you, I miss you, you were everything. From now until forever, you will always be! LOVE YOU MOM! 1NF@MOUS!

Fractured This is for you. I'm broken! Yes, its true. Inside there is an abyss, and voices cry for you. When decibels reverberate, I am pained, as images of you coalesce in my brain. Church folks say, she is in a better place give him praise. DAMN HIS PRAISE! You gave him praise and dead you lay. Body turned traitor, blood cells a hater, kidneys gone, your heart moments later. Family outside the door as I stare at your lifeless form, trying to come to grips with this reality that has just begun. I'm broken! Yes, its true. Inside there is an abyss, and voices echo for you. Your infectious smile, dimpled cheeks, the way your voice resonates when you speak. I YouTubed the church just to hear you sing. That stirred memories! You were the glue, Now you are gone. You were the tune to our song. You were taken in the middle of our need. Now, I can't figure how the FUCK to get on beat. I am broken! You knew it was true. And it took you dying to finally admit that to you. 1NF@MOUS!

Letter to you! Close your eyes, then imagine! Put yourself in the shoes of the one you try to judge, then think if this was you. THERE YOU ARE, With your pedestal and your broken heart. I see now that we are worlds apart. In this gutter I have been placed, disgraced, and shamed. Then around my neck you've hung your slipknot of blame. On a societal rope I've choked trying to please you. Gagged then suffocated until my guts, I spewed. I SEE YOU, With your disappointed glare, from the safety of your bubble protected from realities flair. I fell off of my perch, when I was pushed off of the porch. That shit was no accident! It was by force. We both faced the same eviction, you just got saved. Now you have the audacity to question how I behave! I was left. Then forced to wander. Late nights alone. With no hope. Wondering if anyone cared. Frozen streets, cold feet, my hustle found me there. Where were you when I needed help? Looking from above? Do you see me? I'm not sure you ever did. Here I am! The man you decided to have a kid with. You said that you loved me once, but what's love to you? Is it this fairy tale delusion America feeds you? In that bed she lay. SEPTIC! In my head I stayed. HECTIC! Comfort and understanding is what I needed from you. A blizzard of emotion is what you threw. In that hospital bed my mom was dead, no longer alive. In that moment, I believe our relationship died! I am here! Do you see me? Well, as disappointed as you may be. I am continuously left alone. As you sit on your throne. Surrounded by family and friends, then supported 'til the end. One thing you must not forget. We still have to raise a kid through this shit! 1nf@mous!